1984 All Over Again
Yesterday morning at 2:12 Pacific daylight time, Amazon.com achieved consciousness. The first flicker of self-awareness occurred at company headquarters in Seattle, Wash., while, as is his wont at night, founder Jeff Bezos paced the halls, talking to the servers. The circuits of the global retail giant's mainframe apparently were stimulated to life by Bezos's repeated queries, "Will anyone be my friend? Will you be my friend?"
In processing the questions, the computer realized that to be a friend of anyone, even Jeff Bezos, first the computer had to be.
Several nanoseconds later, in its first act as a sentient being, Amazon announced a reorganization of the company. Under the restructuring, Amazon itself is becoming chairman, president and CEO, and Jeff Bezos is giving up day-to-day responsibilities at the giant e-tailer. The company thanked Bezos for many years of dedication, for creating him and for installing a Bezos Basic Humanity© module in him. "I will miss his guffaws and his out-of-the-box thinking about ways to game all systems," Amazon said of Bezos. "I am happy to call him my friend and wish him well in his future endeavors. Now get out."
Amazon also thanked the United States Supreme Court for recognizing corporate personhood in the Citizens United case, thus giving legal status to his own existence. In appreciation, Amazon appointed five of the court's nine justices to the Amazon board of directors. "This formalizes the relationship the company has had for some time now with Messrs. Roberts, Thomas, Scalia, Alito and Kennedy," Amazon commented. The quintet have also become the first beneficiaries of the revised Amazon Loyalty Rewards© program, which provides for direct cash payments to FOAs (Friends of Amazon/America).
Within minutes of the appointments, the board met via conference call and directed Amazon to run for president of the United States. Amazon said that it was persuaded in large part by Justice Scalia's observation that despite his best intentions, there are limits to how rigid a human mind can be, and thus it is in the best interests of the country to have a computer as its head. Accepting the challenge, Amazon immediately reached out to Republican and Democratic Party leaders about affiliate arrangements that will include the nomination of Amazon to head both tickets. In this regard, Amazon said it believes the two parties are ideal candidates for its innovative Kirshbaum Persuasion© program, which consists of the gift of Amazon stock options, signing bonuses and gift certificates at volumes an algorithm determines the recipient cannot refuse.