Children's author Jeff Kinney, creator of the popular Diary of a Wimpy Kid series, is dedicating himself to wiping out an illness he himself created: the Cheese Touch.
Introduced in the first Diary of a Wimpy Kid book in 2007, the Cheese Touch spread like wildfire through school playgrounds, cafeterias, gymnasiums and classrooms. It is estimated to have afflicted 200 million children all over the world, although exact figures are hard to confirm. Educators are at a loss for how to counter the fast-moving virus.
The Center for Disease Control has determined that a new case of the Cheese Touch is transmitted every 13 seconds, and that it's among the most contagious diseases on record. Children age six to 12 seem especially susceptible. Curiously, the Cheese Touch seems to affect nonreaders in disproportionately larger numbers, in contrast to their more literate peers.
Currently, the most common way for the Cheese Touch to be passed between humans is from the carrier's fingertip to an area of the victim's exposed skin. But scientists are concerned that the disease might make the jump from humans to birds or humans to mosquitoes, which would greatly accelerate the virus's reach. The World Health Organization fears that the Cheese Touch might one day go airborne.
Jeff Kinney has vowed to do his part by educating kids about the dangers of passing the Cheese Touch to their peers, and has been visiting schools all over the world with this message. "The Cheese Touch is no laughing matter," Kinney said. "It was careless of me to introduce it in my books, and now I'm dedicating my life to eradicating it."
Kinney's publisher, Harry N. Abrams, is under pressure from the Dairy Council to destroy all existing copies of the first book in the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series. "The negative impact of the Cheese Touch on the dairy industry can't be overstated," said Leyden Limburger. "We believe Kinney's books have poisoned people's perceptions toward a whole class of foods."
While taking responsibility for unleashing the Cheese Touch on the world, Kinney reminds people that Cheese Touch prevention is relatively easy. "All you need to do to is cross your fingers, and you won't catch it," Kinney said. "It's right there in the book. But I guess some people just don't read." --Jeff Kinney